Viewings 19 + 20: All Good Things…

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I’ve made it to the end of my long and arduous journey. After one more viewing I will have fulfilled the obligation of the initial bet and have successfully watched The Master of Disguise for 21 consecutive days. Not only that, I will have also exceeded the parameters necessary in order to win by successfully keeping an in depth account of my experience watching the film and by providing deep analysis. I truly hope that you, my reader, have learned something by experiencing what  I went through vicariously through this blog. There is much to be learned from this timeless film about identity, relationships, philosophy, comedy and also many technical details about how one should not shoot a movie. I feel that I have grown a lot through this test of endurance and hope that you have as well alongside me. Speaking personally, I have become better at examining minutiae, at waxing poetic about virtually anything, and most importantly about learning how to focus on the positive in order to get by (or at least ironically focus on the negative thereby transforming it into a positive). I also learned how to accept ritual into everyday life and find a way to transform potentially crippling monotony into a fruitful experience on a daily basis. As insane as it may sound, I am not lying when I say that somehow this ended up being a productive and positive time period in my life.

So while this project has reached its end there are also new beginnings. The time has come to take this project in new directions. My new status as the world’s foremost expert on the film also means that I have inherited a great deal of responsibility in furthering the cause of the movie. In the upcoming days I hope to receive approval from Kickstarter to begin fundraising for The Master Cut—a new Master of Disguise movie made by none other than The Master of The Master of Disguise himself. I hope that after following these posts you see the value in such an endeavor and choose to contribute to the film’s production. I also plan on releasing a commentary track for the film as my culminating post. It might be a couple days before I have found a way to record and post it, but stay tuned! I hope it will provide a “different” look into the film. So if you find yourself sad that this time has ended, worry not. We will carry on ceaselessly into the future.

We’ve come a long way. To think it was three weeks long weeks ago that I proclaimed like Pistachio, “I’m going to be a Master of Disguise!” is astounding. Despite what might be expected, I do anticipate watching this movie again, perhaps even many times. When I do, I am sure it will remind me of this very interesting period of time. A time of self-discovery in young adulthood, when as Pistachio so aptly put it in the film, “there are so many voices in my head that I don’t know who I am.” Though the future is uncertain and I don’t have destiny set in stone like the Disguiseys, I can take solace in knowing that I made a promise that was fulfilled and that if someone sets their mind on mastery, it can be achieved. I said I would do it and I did. I stand before you:

THE MASTER OF THE MASTER OF DISGUISE 

Until next time, Yours in the cause of disguise.

I am now a level 6,327 Doctor of Disguise!

BAM! SECOND UPGRADE! Now a level 6,667 DOCTOR OF DISGUISE. One away from Mastery.

MASTER OF THE MASTER OF DISGUISE HAS ITS OWN BLOG AT 

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Viewing 18: Dreams of Disguise

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I’ve been sleeping little and working a lot lately. Not to mention cranking out 10 pages on the Master of Disguise while working. As result, I was dozing in and out of consciousness both during a doom metal show I worked yesterday (note that this is the second doom show mentioned in this blog about The Master of Disguise) and during my recent viewing of movie.  Both situations produced fucked up dreams.

I swear to God this is what my Master of Disguise dream consisted of:

Dana Carvey came into a downtown café and ordered a Cappuccino from me. The thing is that I wasn’t the barista. I was writing a blog about The Master of Disguise. He then yelled SURPRISE!!!! And Devlin Bowman said, from the heavens, “my men are ready to pounce on my command.” (I am pretty sure that’s where I was in the movie during the dream and his dialogue just bled through into my subconscious). Concerned about Devlin I asked Dana what we should do and he said, “Quickly!” We jumped into the screen of my laptop and all of a sudden we were in the lobby of a Raddison Hotel and there was some sort of furry convention going on. I woke up from my dream and the movie was at the scene where Jennifer was meeting Pistachio at the job interview. Woah. That was weird. Strangely enough this is the first Master of Disguise related dream that I can remember during this 18 day span.

I have also started applying for a Kickstarter project to fund the 20mil Master Cut of the Master of Disguise. FINGERS CROSSED!!!

There’s another big announcement! When I get to the big 21^st day of watching the film I am going to celebrate my mastery by creating a audio commentary track for the movie! Master’s commentary so to speak.

THAT’S THE GOOD WORD FRIENDS IN DISGUISE!

I am now a BROWN BELT level 5,994 Doctor of Disguise  (thanks for NOT pointing out to me that 7,000 / 21 is not 300 and hence all my earlier ranks are off—GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME!)

MASTER OF THE MASTER OF DISGUISE HAS IT’S OWN BLOG AT 

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Viewing 17: Announcing “The Master’s Cut!”

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Rather than behave like a total curmudgeon in the manner of all the critics I just posted about, I am instead going to cultivate a positive mental attitude. That’s right, I am going to offer constructive criticism. How can we expect The Master of Disguise to improve next time if we don’t offer friendly, affirming advice to point out the things that we thought could have changed for the movie for the better? You might be saying to yourself, “But Jacob, there won’t be a next time. They had their chance and blew it. The film essentially killed Dana Carvey’s career and Perry Andelin Blake hasn’t directed a film since.” Let me assuage your worries with a big announcement.

The Master of The Master of Disguise is starting a fundraising campaign to make The Master of Disguise: The Master’s Cut. Starting today “we” have opened a massive crowdsourcing campaign to raise $20,000,000 for a new Master of Disguise Film (Original budget was 16m). This film will not be a sequel, but rather a remake and re-edit of the original. Yes, yes, certain scenes will have to be reshot. New scenes will have to be added. We might unfortunately even have to recast certain cast members.  A lot will be different, and we have a formidable amount of work ahead to fund raise in order to create the change we need. In the end it will all be worth it.

Haven proven myself as the world’s foremost expert on the film, I think that Columbia Pictures will feel comfortable entrusting me with this very special project. I am certain they have been intending to recreate the film for years and were just waiting for the right person to come along and take things by the reigns. Well I have arrived and I assure you that the final result will be one of the funniest, most poignant films in cinematic history. It won’t just be my doing—that would be a ridiculous claim! The film wasn’t THAT far away from being palatable originally so it just needs some fine-tuning to get it to its optimal level. Let me tell you my vision for The Master’s Cut.

ADDITIONS and RE-ENVISIONED SCENES:

More! More! The Master of Disguise left us begging for more. Just 80 minutes? No toy guy scene? A rushed ending? I would take the time to let things play out properly. Here are some of the scenes that would need to be added. 

• The patrons in the restaurant who sit listlessly after Pistachio spills spaghetti all over them would be given another scene where they mercilessly verbally abuse Pistachio. Pistachio would be on the brink of tears in his daddy’s restaurant. This would be a no holds barred lashing they would cut deep into his psyche. It would allow the viewer to empathize with Pistachio to a greater degree. The scene would blend into the Texan Patrons bit so that by the time Pistachio’s father intervenes it would be a truly tender and heart wrenching moment of paternal care and loyalty.

• Shortly after the restaurant scene, Pistachio witnesses his crush “The Tush Queen” and his new rival Oversized Waiter Rex making out in an alleyway. This scene would be amended to a full-nudity-somewhat-graphic-fellatio scene. This wouldn’t be superfluous. It would make the innocence of Pistachio all the more real. He is a very sensitive and emotionally underdeveloped adult and this scene would serve as a catalyst for him and the viewer realizing this. It would also make Pistachio more believable as a sexual being because right now no one is buying that he could ultimately bang Jennifer Esposito. Most importantly it would make the sexual undertones of the movie jump more prominently into the forefront. Forget the FCC. This is art.

• The scenes reliving the Disguisey family story throughout various historical periods will be altered to provide either more hilarity or to give more credibility to the notion that the family has a history of fighting evil. This means that the worst scene in the movie (the Abe Lincoln dance sequence) will be replaced with a Disguisey unearthing the Harding Teapot Dome Scandal! How thrilling! We will also depict Disguiseys breaking the bonds of slavery through their covert work on the Underground Railroad, assassinating ruthless dictator Pol Pot, and framing CIA director David Petraeus in a hilarious sex scandal! We have done a complete 180 degree turn here and now provided a very real historical context of justice.

• Devlin Bowman’s running fart gag will be re-imagined as a debilitating cough that sometimes makes him spit up blood. This will remove a pretty shamelessly crackbrained motif in favor of one that provides more philosophical reinforcement to the film. Is Bowman terminally ill and trying to realize his greatest aspirations before expiring? The viewer would also become strongly empathic towards our tormented anti-hero and it would make us question our unwavering praise of the Disguisey way.

• There would be an addendum to the Prince Lamyjama snake charmer sequence where a riveting dialogue concerning racial stereotyping occurs. The grandfather upon seeing Pistachio’s initial attempt at becoming this Indian character will deliver a swift Disguisey slap while saying something along the lines of, “you blithering fool! Becoming another person requires more than blackface and an accent! Any clansmen can do that! You must channel a person’s essence through Energico, you must find your common humanity!” This would help clarify any concerns about the filmmakers being ignorant pricks. While almost all of this scene would deviate from the original, the Kenny G flute sequence must stay EXACTLY THE SAME. That shit is gold.

While we are on the topic of reworking problematic discourses… Jennifer would be given additional screen time to show her struggling to support her son Barney. In the Master Cut she is now shown to actually give a damn about Barney rather than letting him wander the city left to his own devices and a dog. She would be given more dialogue to demonstrate that she is aware of her failed relationships with abusive monsters and that she is in charge of her own destiny—consciously making the decision to sacrifice to make ends meet. This wed shed more light on her struggle and make her seem less cluelessly victimized. Hopefully we can also make her in control of her own sexuality because everyone would be grateful if we can work in some tasteful nudity as well. This is after all a blockbuster motion picture.

• Recreate the slap dummy sequences so Pistachio is shown undergoing intense soul searching method acting classes with Marlon Brando, grueling MMA combat lessons with legendary UFC personality Chael Sonnen, and receiving camouflage and disguise lessons like the ones in that part of the Hunger games. The time frame of this montage should be clarified to show that 2-3 years have passed, thus making Pistachio’s rise to a Master of Disguise more believable and implying that his relationship with Jennifer has had time to grow during this span (oh, I should mention we will introduce Jennifer prior to Pistachios training in order to achieve this).

now THIS is a sensei

• The “who, what, where, why, how” dance number with Pistachio and the Grandpa will either get turned into a full blown musical number with insane choreography and a thousand dancing extras or omitted entirely. It will depend on budgetary constraints.

• Gammy Num Nums and Turtle Guy will be given more lines in their scenes. Additional scenes would be overkill, but a few more jokes inserted would capitalize on these two clearly beloved characters.

• Erick Avari, who portrayed the cigar maker in the Turtle Club, will be turned into Devlin Bowman’s personal assistant and right hand man. Avari was quietly one of the best actors in the film and could provide a new and interesting dynamic as Bowman’s acolyte.

• The cowpie scene barely survives the cut… but maybe we rework it where Pistachio is shown gasping for air hiding out under the grassy disguise for hours. This would help the audience believe in his willingness to sacrifice for his cause.

• The entire soundtrack is revamped. Metallica will now play the Master of Disguise pt.1 in the fashion of Master of Puppets. Frank Ocean will team with posthumous samples of Otis Redding and Sam Cooke to form a new soulfully romantic super hit for the love sequences. Mark Mothersbough will provide the score instead of wasting “Whip It” in the interview scene. The picture will rely on magical sounding orchestral work with a contemporary flare instead of horrendously out of touch pop songs.

• The Cuteness will be added to every single scene in the movie that Pistachio appears in. This dog was such an incredible asset so it’s a crying shame that he wasn’t used in such a gratuitous manner to begin with! He should be a full-blown sidekick dog a la Snowy in Tin Tin. This dog is probably 244 in dog years now so we might unfortunately need to recast him. At the very least we could use CGI to throw him in there should we be unable to find a suitable replacement. This serves as a nice segue into discussing the cast…

RECASTING:

Sadly, some of the original cast won’t be joining us for the Master Cut. I apologize to any of the actors who may be offended. Take solace in knowing that you ALMOST made the cut but that expectations for this project are extremely high and competition was fierce. Now let’s introduce the new cast.

• Ryan Gosling is The Master of Disguise.

Hah! Just kidding. Dana Carvey IS this movie. He is indispensible to the film and delivered a wonderfully underrated and often misunderstood performance. I just mostly wanted to write the sentence “Ryan Gosling is the Master of Disguise.” Imagine that! Horrendous! The other two notable cast members who get to stay are Harold Guild and Jennifer Esposito. They managed to rise above the ensemble in this film (perhaps that doesn’t say a whole lot…).

• Burt Reynolds as Fabbrizio Disguisey.

James Brolin was clearly only cast in this role because the casting call read, “Caucasian man in 50-60s must look like Burt Reynolds.” This time we will get the best Burt Reynolds available. Burt Reynolds.

• Patrick Stewart as Devlin Bowman.

The creators got it right casting a member of Star Trek: The Next Generation as the film’s super villain. However, they gave the job to the wrong cast member! Captain Jean-Luc Picard seems far better suited to the task. Stewart’s background in Shakespearian theatre better suits him to the task of conveying the complex internal dilemmas that Bowman possesses in his attempt to realize his will-to-power. Additionally Stewart has a cool British accent, which is always a plus for a super villain.

• Haley Joel Osment circa 1999 as Barney Baker.

No disrespect to Austin Wolff, but Haley is the finest young actor of a generation. Unfortunately he is now 24 so this will present some complications. It’s a good thing that the original makeup team won an artist guild award because we are going to need all of them back to pull this role off. Also, Haley will have to be a little less serious and creepy than he was in The Sixth Sense. 

• Mike Myers as a new character who is Pistachio’s only friend and equally lovable loser.

Casting Myers as Carvey’s sidekick would reverse their Wayne’s World dynamic. The two clearly have chemistry, and it would finally allow Carvey to silence his critics that proclaimed The Master of Disguise a failed version of Austin Powers. Myers owes it to Carvey to return the favor and curb his ego as a sidekick. It’s also not believable that Pistachio hadn’t a single friend growing up. This character amends that. Myers wouldn’t need to stick around the whole movie, but he’d at least be present until Pistachio undergoes training and meets Jennifer. He could then play the best man at their wedding.

While we are discussing Austin Powers:

• Jay Roach as director.

Roach proved to be successful in the slapstick goonery genre through his work in the Austin Powers franchise. He could apply satire and spoofing far more comically that any bozo at Happy Madison could and would provide Carvey with better opportunity to shine as the film’s protagonist. He made Myers look good so it should be no hard task to showcase Carvey’s gifts. However, should we decide to take a more sophisticated and philosophically complex approach—Sofia Coppola, Roman Polanski or Christopher Nolan will suffice in the director’s chair.

• Fight choreography team replaced with the one from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.

BAM! The action sequences just got WAY more enjoyable. 

CUTS:

It’s true. As much as it pains me to say it, my beloved Master of Disguise does have some flaws. Certain parts simply must go. In fact, I was going to attempt to make a Master’s Cut simply by cutting all of the scene’s I deemed unworthy, but I realized that the film would clock in at 37 minutes and the narrative would be extremely hard to follow. That’s what started the fundraising effort. We have to do this right! We must cut and add to achieve proper balance.

For this cutting section I don’t want to be overly harsh and this entry is already 5 pages long, so I will simply list what is getting the axe. I am sure I have discussed most of these issues in previous posts.

•cut the baby’s audio saying, “I slap you” in the flashback sequence

•During Pistachio saying of the Tush Queen “she will be a great cook” cut the butt shot. Actually just cut all of them.

•cut Shrek imitation

•cut the Madonna reference, it’s a waste of $ anyway.

• No exorcist reference

• Uh oh a pattern is emerging…. Just cut all the damn references. Except Jaws.

• cut all giant coin swipey things that transition scenes

• cut nose biting CGI scene in the Turtle Club, Adam Sandler will have NO impact on this film

• cut slap dummy pantsing Pistachio

• cut Gammy’s backstreet boy line/Malcom in the middle line

• cut village name joke in Mr. Peru scene. Das Racist.

• cut dance scene at mansion. Cut all dance scenes.

• Jessica Simpson is cut. If we go with the celebrity appearances Beyoncé or Taylor Swift will take Jessica Simpson’s place and WWE Champion CM Punk will replace Jesse Ventura

I have 15 more pages of cuts but I hope these examples provide enough of a basis for you to realize my editorial eye is worthy of this project.

Tell your friends! Sound the alarm! We will reclaim The Master of Disguise! DONATE TO THE MASTER OF DISGUISE MASTER CUT!

I am now a level 5,100 Professor of Disguise.

MASTER OF THE MASTER OF DISGUISE HAS IT’S OWN BLOG AT 

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Viewing 16: The Critics, The Haters

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While I might be the only person to have watched this movie for 16 consecutive days, I am certainly not the only person to critically “analyze” the film. I use the quotations to indicate that much of this supposed “criticism” that exists in print is lackadaisical and half-witted. Most major film critics didn’t include more than a paragraph and a single star in their encapsulation of what I feel is a film that deals with complex subject matter. Maybe they felt the movie didn’t even warrant their attention. Maybe they try to cut corners when they they feel that a film is doing the same. Maybe they are sitting pretty on their high horse of petty judgement and are truly despicable creatures who are incapable of true joy. Maybe The Master of Disguise is so truly brilliant that it figured out the right code of iconoclasm to completely ostracize the film community. Regardless of what caused this film to exist in a critical black hole, I will now review its reviews that still available online. Many of them have 404d given that this movie was made in the heyday of Angelfire and Geocities (where, hilariously, many of the reviews from prominent media publications were hosted). Technological obscurity be damned, I say! I tried to dig up what I could find. Let’s see what these terrible humans have to say.

JONATHAN ROSENBAUM - THE CHICAGO READER:
“Imagine combining bad imitations of the Ace Ventura and Austin Powers movies and you’ll have a rough idea of this feeble Dana Carvey farce about an Italian-American named Pistachio Disguisey who, like his father and grandfather, is supposedly a master impersonator. The movie has to enlist Bo Derek and Jesse Ventura to achieve “imitations” of them, and George W. Bush in the flesh would have been much funnier than this movie’s impersonation. The only time I chuckled was when Carvey tried to approximate a giant turtle. Percy Andelin Blake directed; with Jennifer Esposito, Mark Devine, and Harold Gould”

Well, at least he liked the Turtle. He over simplified the plot a bit (well, maybe not a whole lot). I don’t think it’s fair to say that the film is just bad Ace Ventura and Austin powers impressions— that’s not very nice. Give Dana some due props. This review is lazy. He would have been better suited to just say DON’T SEE IT because that appears to be all he is trying to accomplish with this rushed piece.

GRADE: F

Lisa Schwarzbaum - Entertainment Weekly
“The Master of Disguise is an awful comedy assembled out of rusty spare parts. Dana Carvey stars as Pistachio Disguisey, the scion of a family of annoying men with fake Italian accents, who masters the art of mimicry and thwarts a farting villain (Brent Spiner).”

That’s it? Did you get paid to write this? If I handed in a 3rd grade essay as detailed as this shit I wouldn’t have made the 4th grade. Poor effort.

GRADE: F

PETER TRAVERS - ROLLING STONE:
“Sometimes Hollywood studios won’t show certain films to reviewers. It’s a kind of damage control. If critics don’t get an early peek at such nonstarters as Juwanna Man, The Crocodile Hunter, Like Mike or Scooby-Doo, they can’t spread the toxic word until after the opening weekend. Thank the gods, then, for trailers, which reveal glaring faults in just a few quick scenes that are meant to be seductive. Take Master of Disguise, the Dana Carvey comedy that Columbia Pictures kept from critics as long as possible. The trailer for the movie practically shouts, “Let the buyer beware!”

Mick LaSalle - San Francisco Chronicle
review link: http://www.sfgate.com/movies/article/FILM-CLIPS-Also-opening-today-2787610.php#page-2

I am sure Mickey won’t mind if I spin this review into a passing grade by misquoting, misrepresenting and taking everything he said out of context. This will at least set an example for any future critic of the Master of Disguise.

”It’s a measure of this movie’s…genuinely… funny…distinct…characters that it is… even more amazing… for people who are particular fans of its star, Dana Carvey.

Carvey plays an Italian immigrant, Pistachio, with a gift for complete transformation that he’s inherited from his father Frabbrizio (James Brolin). But at the start of the movie he’s a waiter in an Italian restaurant. He trips, and several plates of spaghetti go flying, landing on the heads of diners. After fumbling for a few seconds, he tries to make amends by sprinkling the diners’ heads with Parmesan cheese. (note: I didn’t have to change this paragraph! Good job Mickey)

Pistachio inhabits a kind of zone between contemptible imbecile and sensitive bumbler. He’s … someone to laugh at, and he’s…someone to laugh with.

The movie is (partly) an excuse for Carvey to don these personae.. and…  they all (p)ack (I’ll assume the l was a type-o) incisiveness and satirical punch.

The disguise gimmick is also an excuse for a number of celebrity cameos, which culminate in a mask being pulled off to reveal Frabbrizio. The most interesting cameo is that of Bo Derek who appears in her “10” outfit from 1979,

looking slightly better than she did 23 years ago. In a movie about transformation, Derek shows that… transforming can sometimes be… amazing.

That’s much better.
Grade: A