MASTER OF THE MASTER OF DISGUISE HAS IT’S OWN BLOG AT
Rather than behave like a total curmudgeon in the manner of all the critics I just posted about, I am instead going to cultivate a positive mental attitude. That’s right, I am going to offer constructive criticism. How can we expect The Master of Disguise to improve next time if we don’t offer friendly, affirming advice to point out the things that we thought could have changed for the movie for the better? You might be saying to yourself, “But Jacob, there won’t be a next time. They had their chance and blew it. The film essentially killed Dana Carvey’s career and Perry Andelin Blake hasn’t directed a film since.” Let me assuage your worries with a big announcement.
The Master of The Master of Disguise is starting a fundraising campaign to make The Master of Disguise: The Master’s Cut. Starting today “we” have opened a massive crowdsourcing campaign to raise $20,000,000 for a new Master of Disguise Film (Original budget was 16m). This film will not be a sequel, but rather a remake and re-edit of the original. Yes, yes, certain scenes will have to be reshot. New scenes will have to be added. We might unfortunately even have to recast certain cast members. A lot will be different, and we have a formidable amount of work ahead to fund raise in order to create the change we need. In the end it will all be worth it.
Haven proven myself as the world’s foremost expert on the film, I think that Columbia Pictures will feel comfortable entrusting me with this very special project. I am certain they have been intending to recreate the film for years and were just waiting for the right person to come along and take things by the reigns. Well I have arrived and I assure you that the final result will be one of the funniest, most poignant films in cinematic history. It won’t just be my doing—that would be a ridiculous claim! The film wasn’t THAT far away from being palatable originally so it just needs some fine-tuning to get it to its optimal level. Let me tell you my vision for The Master’s Cut.
ADDITIONS and RE-ENVISIONED SCENES:
More! More! The Master of Disguise left us begging for more. Just 80 minutes? No toy guy scene? A rushed ending? I would take the time to let things play out properly. Here are some of the scenes that would need to be added.
• The patrons in the restaurant who sit listlessly after Pistachio spills spaghetti all over them would be given another scene where they mercilessly verbally abuse Pistachio. Pistachio would be on the brink of tears in his daddy’s restaurant. This would be a no holds barred lashing they would cut deep into his psyche. It would allow the viewer to empathize with Pistachio to a greater degree. The scene would blend into the Texan Patrons bit so that by the time Pistachio’s father intervenes it would be a truly tender and heart wrenching moment of paternal care and loyalty.
• Shortly after the restaurant scene, Pistachio witnesses his crush “The Tush Queen” and his new rival Oversized Waiter Rex making out in an alleyway. This scene would be amended to a full-nudity-somewhat-graphic-fellatio scene. This wouldn’t be superfluous. It would make the innocence of Pistachio all the more real. He is a very sensitive and emotionally underdeveloped adult and this scene would serve as a catalyst for him and the viewer realizing this. It would also make Pistachio more believable as a sexual being because right now no one is buying that he could ultimately bang Jennifer Esposito. Most importantly it would make the sexual undertones of the movie jump more prominently into the forefront. Forget the FCC. This is art.
• The scenes reliving the Disguisey family story throughout various historical periods will be altered to provide either more hilarity or to give more credibility to the notion that the family has a history of fighting evil. This means that the worst scene in the movie (the Abe Lincoln dance sequence) will be replaced with a Disguisey unearthing the Harding Teapot Dome Scandal! How thrilling! We will also depict Disguiseys breaking the bonds of slavery through their covert work on the Underground Railroad, assassinating ruthless dictator Pol Pot, and framing CIA director David Petraeus in a hilarious sex scandal! We have done a complete 180 degree turn here and now provided a very real historical context of justice.
• Devlin Bowman’s running fart gag will be re-imagined as a debilitating cough that sometimes makes him spit up blood. This will remove a pretty shamelessly crackbrained motif in favor of one that provides more philosophical reinforcement to the film. Is Bowman terminally ill and trying to realize his greatest aspirations before expiring? The viewer would also become strongly empathic towards our tormented anti-hero and it would make us question our unwavering praise of the Disguisey way.
• There would be an addendum to the Prince Lamyjama snake charmer sequence where a riveting dialogue concerning racial stereotyping occurs. The grandfather upon seeing Pistachio’s initial attempt at becoming this Indian character will deliver a swift Disguisey slap while saying something along the lines of, “you blithering fool! Becoming another person requires more than blackface and an accent! Any clansmen can do that! You must channel a person’s essence through Energico, you must find your common humanity!” This would help clarify any concerns about the filmmakers being ignorant pricks. While almost all of this scene would deviate from the original, the Kenny G flute sequence must stay EXACTLY THE SAME. That shit is gold.
While we are on the topic of reworking problematic discourses… Jennifer would be given additional screen time to show her struggling to support her son Barney. In the Master Cut she is now shown to actually give a damn about Barney rather than letting him wander the city left to his own devices and a dog. She would be given more dialogue to demonstrate that she is aware of her failed relationships with abusive monsters and that she is in charge of her own destiny—consciously making the decision to sacrifice to make ends meet. This wed shed more light on her struggle and make her seem less cluelessly victimized. Hopefully we can also make her in control of her own sexuality because everyone would be grateful if we can work in some tasteful nudity as well. This is after all a blockbuster motion picture.
• Recreate the slap dummy sequences so Pistachio is shown undergoing intense soul searching method acting classes with Marlon Brando, grueling MMA combat lessons with legendary UFC personality Chael Sonnen, and receiving camouflage and disguise lessons like the ones in that part of the Hunger games. The time frame of this montage should be clarified to show that 2-3 years have passed, thus making Pistachio’s rise to a Master of Disguise more believable and implying that his relationship with Jennifer has had time to grow during this span (oh, I should mention we will introduce Jennifer prior to Pistachios training in order to achieve this).
now THIS is a sensei
• The “who, what, where, why, how” dance number with Pistachio and the Grandpa will either get turned into a full blown musical number with insane choreography and a thousand dancing extras or omitted entirely. It will depend on budgetary constraints.
• Gammy Num Nums and Turtle Guy will be given more lines in their scenes. Additional scenes would be overkill, but a few more jokes inserted would capitalize on these two clearly beloved characters.
• Erick Avari, who portrayed the cigar maker in the Turtle Club, will be turned into Devlin Bowman’s personal assistant and right hand man. Avari was quietly one of the best actors in the film and could provide a new and interesting dynamic as Bowman’s acolyte.
• The cowpie scene barely survives the cut… but maybe we rework it where Pistachio is shown gasping for air hiding out under the grassy disguise for hours. This would help the audience believe in his willingness to sacrifice for his cause.
• The entire soundtrack is revamped. Metallica will now play the Master of Disguise pt.1 in the fashion of Master of Puppets. Frank Ocean will team with posthumous samples of Otis Redding and Sam Cooke to form a new soulfully romantic super hit for the love sequences. Mark Mothersbough will provide the score instead of wasting “Whip It” in the interview scene. The picture will rely on magical sounding orchestral work with a contemporary flare instead of horrendously out of touch pop songs.
• The Cuteness will be added to every single scene in the movie that Pistachio appears in. This dog was such an incredible asset so it’s a crying shame that he wasn’t used in such a gratuitous manner to begin with! He should be a full-blown sidekick dog a la Snowy in Tin Tin. This dog is probably 244 in dog years now so we might unfortunately need to recast him. At the very least we could use CGI to throw him in there should we be unable to find a suitable replacement. This serves as a nice segue into discussing the cast…
Sadly, some of the original cast won’t be joining us for the Master Cut. I apologize to any of the actors who may be offended. Take solace in knowing that you ALMOST made the cut but that expectations for this project are extremely high and competition was fierce. Now let’s introduce the new cast.
• Ryan Gosling is The Master of Disguise.
Hah! Just kidding. Dana Carvey IS this movie. He is indispensible to the film and delivered a wonderfully underrated and often misunderstood performance. I just mostly wanted to write the sentence “Ryan Gosling is the Master of Disguise.” Imagine that! Horrendous! The other two notable cast members who get to stay are Harold Guild and Jennifer Esposito. They managed to rise above the ensemble in this film (perhaps that doesn’t say a whole lot…).
• Burt Reynolds as Fabbrizio Disguisey.
James Brolin was clearly only cast in this role because the casting call read, “Caucasian man in 50-60s must look like Burt Reynolds.” This time we will get the best Burt Reynolds available. Burt Reynolds.
• Patrick Stewart as Devlin Bowman.
The creators got it right casting a member of Star Trek: The Next Generation as the film’s super villain. However, they gave the job to the wrong cast member! Captain Jean-Luc Picard seems far better suited to the task. Stewart’s background in Shakespearian theatre better suits him to the task of conveying the complex internal dilemmas that Bowman possesses in his attempt to realize his will-to-power. Additionally Stewart has a cool British accent, which is always a plus for a super villain.
• Haley Joel Osment circa 1999 as Barney Baker.
No disrespect to Austin Wolff, but Haley is the finest young actor of a generation. Unfortunately he is now 24 so this will present some complications. It’s a good thing that the original makeup team won an artist guild award because we are going to need all of them back to pull this role off. Also, Haley will have to be a little less serious and creepy than he was in The Sixth Sense.
• Mike Myers as a new character who is Pistachio’s only friend and equally lovable loser.
Casting Myers as Carvey’s sidekick would reverse their Wayne’s World dynamic. The two clearly have chemistry, and it would finally allow Carvey to silence his critics that proclaimed The Master of Disguise a failed version of Austin Powers. Myers owes it to Carvey to return the favor and curb his ego as a sidekick. It’s also not believable that Pistachio hadn’t a single friend growing up. This character amends that. Myers wouldn’t need to stick around the whole movie, but he’d at least be present until Pistachio undergoes training and meets Jennifer. He could then play the best man at their wedding.
While we are discussing Austin Powers:
• Jay Roach as director.
Roach proved to be successful in the slapstick goonery genre through his work in the Austin Powers franchise. He could apply satire and spoofing far more comically that any bozo at Happy Madison could and would provide Carvey with better opportunity to shine as the film’s protagonist. He made Myers look good so it should be no hard task to showcase Carvey’s gifts. However, should we decide to take a more sophisticated and philosophically complex approach—Sofia Coppola, Roman Polanski or Christopher Nolan will suffice in the director’s chair.
• Fight choreography team replaced with the one from Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon.
BAM! The action sequences just got WAY more enjoyable.
It’s true. As much as it pains me to say it, my beloved Master of Disguise does have some flaws. Certain parts simply must go. In fact, I was going to attempt to make a Master’s Cut simply by cutting all of the scene’s I deemed unworthy, but I realized that the film would clock in at 37 minutes and the narrative would be extremely hard to follow. That’s what started the fundraising effort. We have to do this right! We must cut and add to achieve proper balance.
For this cutting section I don’t want to be overly harsh and this entry is already 5 pages long, so I will simply list what is getting the axe. I am sure I have discussed most of these issues in previous posts.
•cut the baby’s audio saying, “I slap you” in the flashback sequence
•During Pistachio saying of the Tush Queen “she will be a great cook” cut the butt shot. Actually just cut all of them.
•cut Shrek imitation
•cut the Madonna reference, it’s a waste of $ anyway.
• No exorcist reference
• Uh oh a pattern is emerging…. Just cut all the damn references. Except Jaws.
• cut all giant coin swipey things that transition scenes
• cut nose biting CGI scene in the Turtle Club, Adam Sandler will have NO impact on this film
• cut slap dummy pantsing Pistachio
• cut Gammy’s backstreet boy line/Malcom in the middle line
• cut village name joke in Mr. Peru scene. Das Racist.
• cut dance scene at mansion. Cut all dance scenes.
• Jessica Simpson is cut. If we go with the celebrity appearances Beyoncé or Taylor Swift will take Jessica Simpson’s place and WWE Champion CM Punk will replace Jesse Ventura
I have 15 more pages of cuts but I hope these examples provide enough of a basis for you to realize my editorial eye is worthy of this project.
Tell your friends! Sound the alarm! We will reclaim The Master of Disguise! DONATE TO THE MASTER OF DISGUISE MASTER CUT!
I am now a level 5,100 Professor of Disguise.
MASTER OF THE MASTER OF DISGUISE HAS IT’S OWN BLOG AT